Saturday, November 2, 2013

In response to No Shave November

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Hello men of Asia.

I come bearing a message of hope.

Please, do not participate in No Shave November.

Unless you can a sprout a beard in two weeks instead of those nasty strands you call a mustache - I call it pubic hair - I have to impart some important advice.
If you wanna get some action, stop all that distraction.

Yes, that is what we call those sad, wiry bits of eyebrows on your chin, a distraction. You know you’re Asian right? A pale, yellow skinned male? Your genetics have claimed it impossible for you to grow a full-on man beard except for that old-wise-man long wispy white scarf-types those ancient Confucius look-a-likes use to stroke when reciting poet while drinking tea. Your genetics have made it impossible for a bush to grow anywhere else but down.. there.. The rest of your hair will be thin and ticklish not thick and scratchy! Both of which are qualities a man-beard should have!

Now, now, don’t despair. It doesn’t matter if your beard can’t come in right (not even a 5 o’clock shadow my good man! Pubic hair I say! Pubic hair!) your woman will love you all the same. You might think otherwise, but it’s true. We Asian women, unless we’re looking for a hunky white man, will go for Bruce Lee types over Arnold Schwarzenegger any day. You can kick their asses with kung-fu anway.

Wait, you all DO know kung-fu right?

Just kidding, I know you all do wu-shu instead.

Okay okay, I’m sorry, you don’t need wu-shu, kung-fu, wing chun or whatever Tom, Dick and Hairy martial arts. You really just gotta act like a man. The manliness doesn’t come with a beard my brother, it comes with the action. Look at Manly Man Meme, yeah he has a beard, but his defining traits are that he has probably been shot by 400 bullets and can still wrestle a crocodile to the ground with his toes. Yeah. MANLY. His beard didn’t do SHIT.

So shave that pathetic attempt of a beard and pick up a chick with your sexy words and extremely sexy chivalry rather than a not-so-sexy attempt at a beard.

I’ll see you at your wedding.

You’ve been ADVISED.